First, with a dystopian observation or two:
1. Having a child is one of the most selfish things someone can do, not for the usual reasons offered (getting to biologically continue your legacy, getting to mold someone else in the manner you'd like, etc.), but simply because being a parent is one of the greatest joys one can accomplish in life, and life is so utterly dark and crappy and filled with bitterness and strife that whenever we can manage to experience one of its brief joys, we tend to cherish it and hang onto it as one of the reasons to keep going in spite of the harshness and difficulties involved in surviving each day as it comes. By having a child, you're basically creating for yourself something good to hang onto and revere in a world where so little is worth hanging onto and revering, thus inventing for yourself a joy that does not naturally exist.
2. Life in and of itself is incredibly difficult, but its difficulty can be exacerbated if you happen to land upon this world at the wrong time. I feel very strongly that we were meant to be born in specific eras and that there are times when, by some terrible malfunctioning, someone lands upon the wrong time period for their disposition and being. If I were 53 or 42 today instead of 32, I would probably be a more optimistic, contented person who wouldn't epouse the beliefs detailed in #1. But because I am the age I am and have been forced to live my life in eras where I simply had no hope of "fitting" or finding comfort in, I have had no choice but to view the darker side of life.
And now with some more traditional darker thoughts:
3. I have so many thoughts and ideas in my head of stories I want to write, but every time I want to write them down so I won't forget about them and can draw upon them as inspiration points to begin my writing (when I have the time), I keep forgetting what it is I want to write about. Well, right now I'll tell you that I've got three story ideas swimming around in my mind, but I can't convey them here because I don't want someone to steal them or think they're ridiculous. There's one in particular that I've just thought about that I can very easily type away about now that I'm actually typing away at something, but what's stopping me is the idea that someone who think my idea ludicrous or unnecessarily bleak or anything else that will cause me to question myself and my entire motive toward wanting to write something. And I do want to write. I even want to learn how to write a screenplay because I want to convert some of these ideas to film form and I've got a fantastic film idea that's been brewing in my mind for almost a year.
4. I'm at a point right now where I need help. I'm too bitterly jealous of other people (Syldath, I can tell you with the fullest of confidences that you are excluded from this), am feeling too much loneliness and pain inside, have old familiar similar feelings of pure exhaustion, and what's worse is that the suicidal ideations are returning. And they're not the little harmless ghosts I can casually cast aside by saying, "Oh, hi there. Welcome back into my life. Care for a cup of tea? No? Goodbye." These are of the same intensity that I can recall from when they were an actual threat in my life. And I know I'm being selfish here because there's one person on my friends list here and on Facebook who would probably love to have the kind of health I have (and I am truly, truly sorry if I offend or anger you here) and not worry about the extreme trials and tribulations you're dealing with right now. It's just... I need help.
Or maybe a good night's sleep or some adequate time for REAL rest. We shall see about that.
It's incredibly difficult for me to believe that the end of November is already at hand. It seems as though 2010 just got kicked off, and now we're looking at the last month of the year beginning in just a few short hours. I can still remember being nearly aghast that 2000 was upon us and not truly believing that we were going to have to start our dates with "20__" after growing up with "19__". Remember Y2K? So do I, and I think we all believed that that would cause a major computer meltdown unless the old COBOL programmers/software engineers who were drawn out of retirement could fix the issue with the older systems we all thought controlled a lot of the basic infrastructure of the world. I think when midnight struck on January 1, 2000, and nothing happened, we all said a silent prayer for those aging veterans because we figured they'd already solved everything by the start of the holidays and were happily luxuriating back at home, close to a toasty fire and their loving relatives. Or maybe a couple of them were in New York City, taking advantage of the special occasion by dining with their loved ones at a fancy restaurant (with a view) called Windows of the World. Sounds familiar? It should be if you're old enough to remember the news reports on 9/11[/2001], when a little NYC landmark called the World Trade Center was attacked by two hijacked planes and the Windows of the World came tumbling down.
I can remember hearing about that news report primarily when my dad, who was at home after having retired and then being told he had stage 4 renal cell carcinoma, woke me (still a college student) up and told me about some planes attacking the World Trade Center. At that time I was groggy and thought he was talking about some movie he was watching that looked exciting to him, so I humored him and turned it to the channel he said for me to turn it to. That day I stayed home from school, and Mom came home from work (where she was under contract after having retired from the same place) at noon and we all stayed home together, the four of us (including my beloved dog C). Now my dad and C are both gone from the world, my mom stopped working when the contract ran out and Dad had to go through dialysis, I've had a lot of health issues to deal with, and we moved from that house where we all huddled together watching Peter Jennings (how can it be that he's gone?) telling us what was happening in NYC, at the Pentagon, and that remote field in Pennsylvania, over to a house in a neighborhood I'd yet to visit as of 2001. So much has changed within the span of a decade, yet it hardly feels like it's even been a year since the start of 2000, when the world was normal and bland and I took a lot of things for granted. Now I would kill for the simplicity of that year.
In about a month we're going to have to start getting used to writing out "2011" for our year. How futuristic does 2011 sound? When I think of 2011 I imagine flying hovercars darting across the sky, special remotes that allow you to order up anything with a few clicks, drive-through grocery shopping pods, and pills that can help you live forever. Certain aspects of everyday contemporary life are futuristic -- now it's possible to work from home, confer face to face with people from around the world via computer, use a web browser to point and click and order most things one would want, phones that you can stick in your purse or pocket that can make and send phone calls and do so much more than that (from taking pictures and videos to accessing the Internet), personal computers that are infinitely more powerful than the warehouse-size computing behemoths of the 1960s and '70s (back when my parents were already married!), portable gadgets that can give you audible directions to wherever you're going, commercial-free radio stations that are accessible throughout the nation and with a push of a button, etc. But in many ways, this still feels very similar to the way life felt ten years ago, which felt very similar to the way life felt ten years before that, and so on. There's an old cliche that says, "The more things change, the more they stay the same," and that comes to mind. Perhaps that will be said about 2019 melting into 2020, or 2029 melting into 2030. We'll all be older and things will seem a lot cruder and a hell of a lot more fast-paced. Slowly the teens of today will grow older and see life from the perspective of someone my age, and I will slowly come to realize life from the perspective of someone my mom's age. People in general will seem younger and older loved ones will fade away before my eyes. I won't be able to pick out the world of my youth, but it will still feel very similar.
In just two more hours, it will be December 1, 2010. My mom will turn 65 in two weeks and my beloved grandfather would be 103 (if he were still living) in about a week. In about a month my grandma would've been 98. In the middle of next year we will commemorate eight years since I lost my father. The children who were the age I was when my grandfather passed at the same time that I lost my father will be turning 17 next year and looking forward to their senior years of high school. Life continues on and we are powerless to stop that from happening, yet with each passing year comes a new opportunity to re-engineer our lives. Goodbye November 2010 -- it was real. Hello December 2010 -- what do you hold for me?
Why are the first days back at school or work after a prolonged holiday period so incredibly impossible to go through? I normally adore going into work, but today it took me all I could just to get through the day. I suppose part of it is based on my not being rested up enough to tackle the day. I'm not the same person I was when I was able to thrive on just three hours' sleep in high school and college. I am older and I feel older and it's just so much harder for me to get a little sleep at night, wake up ready for the day (without coffee!), progress through the day, take a short nap in the interim period between afternoon and evening, and be awake and alert throughout the rest of the night. I also suppose there's a little bit of the "it was so much fun just waking up later, having some fun for a couple of days, and not having to follow the same daily schedule for a couple of days, but now I have to get back on the old horse" element to the day.
Oh dear God, my baby dog just acted up horribly and my mom just delivered a major punishment to her, with my assistance. This is the third time she's done this and I know it enrages my mom because it's a horrible thing for a dog to do, and part of me feels kinda horrible about my mom being so hot-headed about it, but the other part understands that she has every right to feel this way, and I did help my mom discipline our dog. At the same time, I also feel guilty because I don't think I'm being as vigilant about being a disciplinarian to my pup as I should be and I feel like I should be creating a stricter, more structured environment for her. I'm glad I'm going through all of this with a puppy instead of with a baby because I have a feeling this is all prepping me for becoming a parent, and the ramifications of a rascally child have the ability to have greater impact than those of a rascally puppy. So perhaps it's imperative I learn these lessons before I start the process of motherhood. Yikes. Though I suppose on that front I have my mom to turn to for parenting advice; she was a very strict, very effective mom, and I consider that the best kind of parenting.
So. Anyway. As far as things aside from that of the everyday, what else is happening in my world? Well, I managed to read through most of the newspaper this afternoon instead of taking breaks at work, and I was able to notice that the local newspaper's gotten dumber since the last time I was able to read through it. I didn't think that was possible. And I don't know what they did with their editorial section, because I read through almost all the sections of the paper and I couldn't find any of it. Did they do something wholly illogical such as stick the editorial section in the middle of the classifieds section? Do they figure that since they post their stories online and allow for comments that that's enough editorializing as it is? Or did they completely do away with the editorials? Or... come to think of it, I think my mom (since I brought the newspaper from home) took out a small section of the Metro section with some obituaries. That can't have completely gotten rid of the editorials, could it? If so, that'd mean the editorials for a Sunday edition have reduced to the size of the editorials section from an average weekday back when I last regularly read the paper. And as for the rest of the paper, I felt like I was reading through a high school paper, with several holiday ad circulars stuck in the middle. This must be why readership numbers are severely down; you can find a lot more quality news reporting on the various news blogs/"pajamams media" sources out there, and for the professional angle you can simply drop into the LA Times, BBC News, Fox News, and CNN websites for trustworthy and traditional reporting.
Gosh, what else is there to talk about? Nothing much; just little tidbits here and there. It really is just one more day before the end of NaBloPoMo, isn't it? I'm nearly completely drawn up at the well here, and what I do have are the bottom dregs. It's been a fantastic exercise in regular blogging, but at the same time it's been an exercise in ignoring other things I've been wanting to do online. Because of how tightly restricted my schedule is, I can only do a few things online at a time and this has been completely taking over my ability to do a lot of other things I've been wanting to do throughout the month. Still, it's exposed that weakness in my life and I could take action to try to remedy it, through a more efficiently regimented life. And with that, I close the second-to-last entry for this year's NaBloPoMo.