In This Town, You Need a Bulletproof Heart.

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Please allow me the freedom to go completely dark here....

First, with a dystopian observation or two:

1.  Having a child is one of the most selfish things someone can do, not for the usual reasons offered (getting to biologically continue your legacy, getting to mold someone else in the manner you'd like, etc.), but simply because being a parent is one of the greatest joys one can accomplish in life, and life is so utterly dark and crappy and filled with bitterness and strife that whenever we can manage to experience one of its brief joys, we tend to cherish it and hang onto it as one of the reasons to keep going in spite of the harshness and difficulties involved in surviving each day as it comes.  By having a child, you're basically creating for yourself something good to hang onto and revere in a world where so little is worth hanging onto and revering, thus inventing for yourself a joy that does not naturally exist.

2.  Life in and of itself is incredibly difficult, but its difficulty can be exacerbated if you happen to land upon this world at the wrong time.  I feel very strongly that we were meant to be born in specific eras and that there are times when, by some terrible malfunctioning, someone lands upon the wrong time period for their disposition and being.  If I were 53 or 42 today instead of 32, I would probably be a more optimistic, contented person who wouldn't epouse the beliefs detailed in #1.  But because I am the age I am and have been forced to live my life in eras where I simply had no hope of "fitting" or finding comfort in, I have had no choice but to view the darker side of life.

And now with some more traditional darker thoughts:

3.  I have so many thoughts and ideas in my head of stories I want to write, but every time I want to write them down so I won't forget about them and can draw upon them as inspiration points to begin my writing (when I have the time), I keep forgetting what it is I want to write about.  Well, right now I'll tell you that I've got three story ideas swimming around in my mind, but I can't convey them here because I don't want someone to steal them or think they're ridiculous.  There's one in particular that I've just thought about that I can very easily type away about now that I'm actually typing away at something, but what's stopping me is the idea that someone who think my idea ludicrous or unnecessarily bleak or anything else that will cause me to question myself and my entire motive toward wanting to write something.  And I do want to write.  I even want to learn how to write a screenplay because I want to convert some of these ideas to film form and I've got a fantastic film idea that's been brewing in my mind for almost a year.

4.  I'm at a point right now where I need help.  I'm too bitterly jealous of other people (Syldath, I can tell you with the fullest of confidences that you are excluded from this), am feeling too much loneliness and pain inside, have old familiar similar feelings of pure exhaustion, and what's worse is that the suicidal ideations are returning.  And they're not the little harmless ghosts I can casually cast aside by saying, "Oh, hi there.  Welcome back into my life.  Care for a cup of tea?  No?  Goodbye."  These are of the same intensity that I can recall from when they were an actual threat in my life.  And I know I'm being selfish here because there's one person on my friends list here and on Facebook who would probably love to have the kind of health I have (and I am truly, truly sorry if I offend or anger you here) and not worry about the extreme trials and tribulations you're dealing with right now.  It's just... I need help.

Or maybe a good night's sleep or some adequate time for REAL rest.  We shall see about that.

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Thank God you're not jealous of me, or I'd have to check you into a mental facility... seriously though? Get a therapist, because these things are no joke and you need an unbiased professional with whom you can fully express yourself and who will have the tools to help you.

I know things can get rough in such a perspective. If you need just to talk, by all means, send me a message my way. We'll go out for some coffee or the like.

ha, I will experiment my thought, your post bring me some good ideas, it’s truly amazing, thanks.

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